Rav Avigdor Miller on How to Marry
Q:
What would you say to people who claim they want to get married but are very picky and always saying no?

A:
Now, this is a very important subject and I don’t have much time to talk about it, but I’ll say it briefly. Marriage must be viewed just the same as buying a house. When you buy a house, you’re willing to pay the agent $5,000 sometimes, a commission. A shadchan deserves a commission. And you must think in terms of utility. You cannot live with romantic ideas. Of course, if you have two that are exactly the same with all the conditions you are looking for, then the one that you prefer, you take. But a man should not marry because of romance. He should marry on the strength of health, on the strength of character, on the strength of dei’os – what is the person’s attitude towards family, towards shmiras hamitzvos, towards luxuries – that should be the criterion.

The very least criterion is sympathy of ideas. Don’t think your wife is going to share your ideas, forget about it! נשים עם בפני עצמן הן – Women are a separate nation. When you get married your wife has her ideas what to do in the house, and you have your dreams about the beis medrash or your business, or whatever you have to do. A man once told me he wanted to marry this girl because they’ll walk hand in hand together all their lives, which means he’s living a bubbah maaseh! You cannot walk hand in hand. Each person has his or her duties in life.

So you have to marry in a practical way. I remember, many years ago I was in Slabodka, and I saw how two families came together to negotiate a shidduch. Who came? The bubbahs of both sides! The chosson and kallah weren’t even there. The bubbahs came, with their big black shabbosdikeh dresses, and they sat facing each other, and they were discussing vus vet zain, what’s going to be, how they will make a living. They were talking practical ways, and they came to an agreement. It was interesting to see; it was like a meeting of two Secretaries of State! The bubbahs were deciding the shidduch! And that’s how all the shidduchim took place among, lehavdil, the goyim too.

That’s why, in the olden days when they married, they remained married. But suppose he married because he sniffs the perfume and that’s why he married her; so he’ll discover later that the perfume is not natural! Therefore, it’s very important to be practical. And to remain unmarried for a long time means the longer you wait, the more you spoil. You’re not wine; you won’t become more delicious by waiting longer!